Are you a spy? If so, we should probably date.

Dating is a necessary evil. NECESSARY, yes. EVIL, well, that’s just a result of a my string of bad luck.  But, like all business ladies, I have a points system I use when rating guys. You can earn up to 100 points with this system. No one has ever earned more than a 70. I know, 70 is passing, but it’s still a C. And I always received a lecture from my parents when I used to half-ass my way into a C. So, still looking for a B or B+.

In my super fancy, totally fool-proof points system, you can earn up to 20 points in any of the following 5 categories:

Ryan VS Ryan: A (mud) fight I'd watch any day of the week.
Ryan VS Ryan: A (mud) fight I’d watch any day of the week.

1. Overall personality: Most people score really high or really low here, and it’s usually because of sense of humor. You don’t have to be a comedian. That’s ok. But you need to be funny in your own way. Guys, there is nothing you can really do to earn more or less points here. I just have to think you’re funny. It’s that simple.

2. Hands and Teeth/Smile:  You do not have to be Ryan Reynolds-Gosling. (But if you are, you automatically get a 105). But  I do have to find you attractive. What’s attractive? HANDS and SMILE/TEETH are big point winners. It’s possible to earn up to 5 points per hand and 10 points for smile/teeth and have basically nailed the attractiveness category. (Also, just be at least an inch or two taller than me and generally good looking). Additionally, if for some horrible reason we met online, make sure you have a good, reputable profile pic. 


What did you do more of in high school?
What did you do more of in high school?

3. Intelligence: I have yet to figure out a way to conduct an IQ test on a first date. Proper grammar is a must, but I can forgive the occasional auto-correct.  I do, however, judge your texting. Sorry, I can’t help it. I do. Either text me like you mean it all the time, or text me with nothing but lingo and LOLs so I know if I’m dealing with a Ross Gellar or a Joey Tribbiani.  As for smarts, you’ve either got them or you don’t. I prefer guys who are smarter than me. He doesn’t have to be, but I try to surround myself with people who are smarter and better than me, so this is an obvious choice. So you know what you’re working with as far as smarts go: I received a 34 out 36 on my ACT. (#brag) BUT A.C. Slater and I share the same SAT score. (Old scoring scale, FYI). So I’m a loose cannon in the smarts department.

4. Common Interests/Different Interests: There are two ways to earn points here, guys. Up to 10 points if we have a lot of the same interests. Mine include: all things comedy, good and bad tv, good movies, books, being outside, clean sheets and towels, ample supply of socks, vegetables and other foods, the color hot pink, Texas A&M, dancing, booze in moderation, inspirational quotes of any/all kinds, chocolate milk and almond milk, (but not chocolate almond milk), playing the piano, painting, general non-country crafting, cooking, memorizing random lists.  ADDITIONALLY, you can earn up to 10 points if you have interests that I’m not totally into. I’m wiling to give them a shot for you if I like you. But, you should also have some stuff you do on your own and a few of your own friends, too. This is also a category where guys score really high or really low.

Sidney Bristow. One of the great spies of our generation.
Sidney Bristow. One of the great spies of our generation.

5. Likelihood that you are a Spy: I’ve been out on a date with at least one spy. Possibly two. One of them basically told me in not so many words that he was a spy. The other one did not. But I told him about the first guy who was a spy and he said a real spy would never tell someone that. And then he threw in some crazy spy jargon that you would never learn on Alias or 24. So he was definitely a spy. If you’re a spy, that’s really cool because I want to be a spy so hard and I’m just going to want to ask you a million questions and want to set dead drops for milk and bread and stuff and we’ll have code words and bunkers and things. IF you are not a spy, you are not totally out of the game here. You can earn up to 15 points if you will watch spy tv shows and or movies with me. 10 points if you don’t watch them with me but also don’t judge that I do.

Ladies, please feel free to use this reliable, practical points system to rate your future mate. Guys, take notice. This rating system will probably catch on and the only way to survive out there is to be prepared.


SO, what kind of  system do you use for rating guys? 



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