I had a dream last night I had an audition for a cooking show. (Obviously, I’m addicted to food). I auditioned for Tina Fey but also with Tina Fey. I got a callback, because I had a friend who knew someone who knew someone who knew the casting director who guaranteed I would get a callback. But I can’t remember the friend. If I could. I’d thank them. The only thing I remember is the casting director was wearing a really cute hot pink shirt. So maybe I was auditioning for myself? I wouldn’t put it past me.
Which makes me think…would Tina Fey be interested in doing a cooking show with me? I don’t think this idea is as far off as it sounds. I think we have a lot more in common than she realizes. So I’ve drafted a pitch email to the queen of comedy.
Dear Mrs. Fey, (wait, do you want to be addressed as “Ms. Fey” or “Mrs. Richmond?” Ahh, I don’t know what to do here? I guess I could just say “Dear Tina” but then that’s super presumptuous of me to assume you’d even let me call you Tina. Oh, of course you’d let me call you Tina. You’re that cool. Oh man, I’m so stressed right now. I mean Oh woman. Are you a feminist? I don’t really think you are. I think you’re just all for everyone, right?)
Dear Ms. Tina Fey Richmond Lemon,
My name is Amanda Austin and I’m writing to pitch you a show idea. Well, for you. For us, really. I’m writing to pitch a show for the two of us. I know you don’t know me. Yet. But we had the best chemistry in my dream last night so I feel like I’d
be shorting you an opportunity if I didn’t run this idea across your desk.
I’d like to do a cooking show with you. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Oh gosh, why didn’t I think of this before? It’s ok, you’ve had some reputable ideas in the past. You can’t be good at everything, then God wouldn’t have a job. I mean, he would. He’s God. He can kinda just create his own position. “They” say if there’s not a position for you, you should create it. That’s basically what you’ve done all your life. So I’m taking the work load off you for a bit, and I’ve created this position for you. FOR US!
It’s called “Improvising Dinner” and here’s the Elevator Pitch:
These funny ladies know how to improvise. And what better place to improvise than in the kitchen? Amanda and Tina (or we can switch it and say Tina and Amanda, it’s whatever you’re comfortable with, I was just doing it alphabetically, to be fair) will take over your kitchen and completely improvise a meal with the food in your house! Learn to say YES, AND for dinner!
We’ll structure it just like an improv show. We’ll get a suggestion from the audience for one food item. We’ll buy that food item, and that food item only. The remainder of the meal will be prepared using ingredients already found in the house.
We’ll also do “fun bits” with each other. We’ll talk about improv, how great it is, and just improvise dumb scenes that will be so hilarious people will tune in just to see what we’re going to improvise. The delicious meal will be an added bonus.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Do you think the Food Network will bite? (Pun intended) Yes, of course. Not only will they bite because it’s a great idea, but it’s low cost for them, and it gets more viewers because we have people submit to be on the show and we surprise them Publisher’s Clearing House style when we show up to cook. So there’s a fun surprise element to the show. We also have celebrities attached to the show. You’ve had a run of success on TV and stuff, and I’m the more active of the two of us on Twitter (500+ followers) so we’ll be able to draw a crowd.
I know this might sound crazy. But I could not be more sincere while I’m writing this without pants on while I eat my breakfast in bed. (No one cooked it for me, I just opened a cinnamon roll and brought it back to bed, but thanks for asking!)
So read through this again, make any notes you have for me about the general feel of the show and I’ll get back to you ASAP. Then let’s call your friends over at the Food Network (I know you’ve been before) and get to work. I’ve got a couple of non-paying gigs the next two weeks, but after that, my schedule is open so we can get to work!
Thanks in advance for your time and consideration,
Ms. Amanda Austin Timberlake