19 Things You Should Never Have In Your Online Dating Profile Pic if You Want Someone to Click On You

8 Jan

Online dating is the worst. For me, it’s just another form of comedy. I just joined a free site (worst idea of 2014) and in the past two days, I’ve come across every single one of these as profile pics. PROFILE PICS! Your profile pic is the ONLY chance you have. So if you’re doing any of these things in your profile pic, it’s time to quit everything…

waterfacePM1. Do not be underwater.  Sir, please. You look stupid. And I can’t even tell if you can swim or not in this picture. So how do I even know if you’ll save me from a shark or some weirdo with one of those water noodles?

2. Do not be eating a baked potato.  Yes, I like to eat. And maybe I’ll go out to dinner with you. Are we going to Jason’s Deli for the first date? Probably not. So please, put your Texas Style Spud away. No one wants to see all that sour cream.

Screen Shot 2014-01-07 at 11.17.30 PM3. Do not have a picture of a horse leaping over a cliff labeled 2013 to another cliff labeled 2014.  I’m sorry 2013 wasn’t good for you. And you’re probably not the only one. Or maybe you just liked the new version of The Lone Ranger. I like Armie Hammer, too. But this might be too much.

4. Do not use the the model from the Preferred Stock print ads, circa 1994. You are not fooling anyone. Everyone knows who this dude is. You are not him. Stop it.

5. Do not have an Angel Meme that says “Only God Can Judge Me.”  WRONG! I am also judging you. So that puts me and God on the same team. Watch out, we’re a good team, especially on the kickball field.

alienface6. Do not be a businessman alien.  At least be a Zombie. Or someone from Catching Fire. But a business man alien? NASA isn’t even doing anything cool right now, so Aliens are not really on our radar these days.

7. Do not wear a kilt. I think kilts are totally fine. For your Scottish friend’s wedding, or a last minute Halloween costume. But if your legs look better in a skirt than mine, there is no way I’m clicking on that pic.

8. Do not have a recently dead pig in your arms.  Hey, I’m from Texas. I get it. People hunt. I even have a camouflage koozie somewhere in my house. But I do not want to see you holding a prized pig, seconds after its death. It’s not becoming on you, or my future bacon.

9. Do not be fixing your dishwasher.  Oh boy, I love a guy who is handy. I’m serious. If you can fix things, that’s hot. But do not fix your dang dishwasher in front of me. You should be trying to romance me, not give me a glimpse into what our 7th anniversary is going to look like.

10. Do not be getting a tattoo.  While I do not have any tattoos, I don’t have a problem if a guy does. But let’s all try and put our best face forward. And your face shouldn’t be your ankle with a needle hanging out of it.

denisface PM11. Do not use a stand up shot/meme of Denis Leary.  Jokes, amiright????

12. Do not be exercising on an exercise ball with a small child. I get it, you’re strong. And you’re a “great uncle.” But please don’t bench press your niece in a driveway. I’m the most unimpressed with your safety right now.

13. Do not be topless with another man.  Beach time with your bros, huh? Okay, I’m “OK” with you posting ONE picture at the beach/pool. But don’t be linking arms with another dude. Without his shirt on. You’re not fooling anyone.

14. Do not be holding up a space heater. I’m actually okay with this one.

dogface15. Do not be posing with an oversized dalmation firefighter mascot. I have no idea if you’re the chaperone on a field trip, or if this is what you do on Saturday afternoons. Either way. you look dumb. At least that mascot is getting paid. Or laid.

16. Do not be at Wal-Mart in your army fatigues. God Bless America. I’m so serious. And God Bless Wal-Mart. But a selfie in front of Gain Detergent being “rolled back” makes me proud (scared) you defend our country.

eatmedumbdumb17. Do not be jumping out of a cake that says “Eat Me.”   Because I will not. Ever. Stop asking.

18. Do not be holding up two fake Academy Awards. In 20 years, I have not missed an Academy Awards show. I would know if you won. Even if you won awards at the secret award ceremony for the nerdy/not important awards. I would still know. You didn’t. Go back to writing your first (horrible) screenplay.

19. Do not be standing over a coffin.  Because I don’t need a reminder my uterus might be dead.

SO…What’s the worst profile pic you’ve ever seen? 

4 Responses to “19 Things You Should Never Have In Your Online Dating Profile Pic if You Want Someone to Click On You”

  1. Aubrie Wills January 8, 2014 at 6:14 pm #

    Oh man, can’t recall any over disturbing pictures. The name is what gets me… I had a guy that was namd TooDumb message me the other day. Awesome.

    Also, my profile picture is from Halloween two years ago with my face painted like a creepy voodoo doll. I obviously take online dating very seriously.

    • AAUSTIN January 8, 2014 at 8:09 pm #

      The names are the worst! I decided to stay away from that b/c of all of the tens of followers I have, I didn’t want salsaboy214 to find out I was writing about him.

  2. robgonzo (@robgonzo) January 8, 2014 at 10:31 pm #

    Single (presumably) women posting pics with or of their kids. Boner killer.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Are you a spy? If so, we should probably date. | AMANDA AUSTIN - May 29, 2014

    […] 2. Hands and Teeth/Smile:  You do not have to be Ryan Reynolds-Gosling. (But if you are, you automatically get a 105). But  I do have to find you attractive. What’s attractive? HANDS and SMILE/TEETH are big point winners. It’s possible to earn up to 5 points per hand and 10 points for smile/teeth and have basically nailed the attractiveness category. (Also, just be at least an inch or two taller than me and generally good looking). Additionally, if for some horrible reason we met online, make sure you have a good, reputable profile pic.  […]

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