Are you a spy? If so, we should probably date.

29 May

Dating is a necessary evil. NECESSARY, yes. EVIL, well, that’s just a result of a my string of bad luck.  But, like all business ladies, I have a points system I use when rating guys. You can earn up to 100 points with this system. No one has ever earned more than a 70. I know, 70 is passing, but it’s still a C. And I always received a lecture from my parents when I used to half-ass my way into a C. So, still looking for a B or B+.

In my super fancy, totally fool-proof points system, you can earn up to 20 points in any of the following 5 categories:

Ryan VS Ryan: A (mud) fight I'd watch any day of the week.

Ryan VS Ryan: A (mud) fight I’d watch any day of the week.

1. Overall personality: Most people score really high or really low here, and it’s usually because of sense of humor. You don’t have to be a comedian. That’s ok. But you need to be funny in your own way. Guys, there is nothing you can really do to earn more or less points here. I just have to think you’re funny. It’s that simple.

2. Hands and Teeth/Smile:  You do not have to be Ryan Reynolds-Gosling. (But if you are, you automatically get a 105). But  I do have to find you attractive. What’s attractive? HANDS and SMILE/TEETH are big point winners. It’s possible to earn up to 5 points per hand and 10 points for smile/teeth and have basically nailed the attractiveness category. (Also, just be at least an inch or two taller than me and generally good looking). Additionally, if for some horrible reason we met online, make sure you have a good, reputable profile pic. 

 

What did you do more of in high school?

What did you do more of in high school?

3. Intelligence: I have yet to figure out a way to conduct an IQ test on a first date. Proper grammar is a must, but I can forgive the occasional auto-correct.  I do, however, judge your texting. Sorry, I can’t help it. I do. Either text me like you mean it all the time, or text me with nothing but lingo and LOLs so I know if I’m dealing with a Ross Gellar or a Joey Tribbiani.  As for smarts, you’ve either got them or you don’t. I prefer guys who are smarter than me. He doesn’t have to be, but I try to surround myself with people who are smarter and better than me, so this is an obvious choice. So you know what you’re working with as far as smarts go: I received a 34 out 36 on my ACT. (#brag) BUT A.C. Slater and I share the same SAT score. (Old scoring scale, FYI). So I’m a loose cannon in the smarts department.

4. Common Interests/Different Interests: There are two ways to earn points here, guys. Up to 10 points if we have a lot of the same interests. Mine include: all things comedy, good and bad tv, good movies, books, being outside, clean sheets and towels, ample supply of socks, vegetables and other foods, the color hot pink, Texas A&M, dancing, booze in moderation, inspirational quotes of any/all kinds, chocolate milk and almond milk, (but not chocolate almond milk), playing the piano, painting, general non-country crafting, cooking, memorizing random lists.  ADDITIONALLY, you can earn up to 10 points if you have interests that I’m not totally into. I’m wiling to give them a shot for you if I like you. But, you should also have some stuff you do on your own and a few of your own friends, too. This is also a category where guys score really high or really low.

Sidney Bristow. One of the great spies of our generation.

Sidney Bristow. One of the great spies of our generation.

5. Likelihood that you are a Spy: I’ve been out on a date with at least one spy. Possibly two. One of them basically told me in not so many words that he was a spy. The other one did not. But I told him about the first guy who was a spy and he said a real spy would never tell someone that. And then he threw in some crazy spy jargon that you would never learn on Alias or 24. So he was definitely a spy. If you’re a spy, that’s really cool because I want to be a spy so hard and I’m just going to want to ask you a million questions and want to set dead drops for milk and bread and stuff and we’ll have code words and bunkers and things. IF you are not a spy, you are not totally out of the game here. You can earn up to 15 points if you will watch spy tv shows and or movies with me. 10 points if you don’t watch them with me but also don’t judge that I do.

Ladies, please feel free to use this reliable, practical points system to rate your future mate. Guys, take notice. This rating system will probably catch on and the only way to survive out there is to be prepared.

 

SO, what kind of  system do you use for rating guys? 

 

The Theft (1st Place Winner of the 24 Hour Video Race of Dallas)

21 May

Here’s another one of those things I wrote that we brought to life. I co-wrote this with my friend Ryan Callahan. This was part of the 24 Hour Video Race of Dallas. We received our genre, prop, location, and theme at midnight on May 9th. Then we wrote, shot, and edited the film in 24 hours. What a great cast and crew. It didn’t even feel like work, it just felt like we were playing.

This film one FIRST PLACE in the Hollywood Division for the Film Race. YAY!

The Investment (1st Place Winner of the 5 Day USA Film Quest)

3 May

I love to write. Sometimes I write things and nothing happens. Sometimes I write things and we make them into a film. Here’s one of those things.

This film, THE INVESTMENT, was  part of the USA 5 Day Film Quest. I co-wrote this with my friend Ryan Callahan and it won first place. YAY!

Thanks to everyone involved in making the film and starring in the film. Such a fun film to shoot!

 

My Cooking Show with Tina Fey

25 Mar

I had a dream last night I had an audition for a cooking show. (Obviously, I’m addicted to food).  I auditioned for Tina Fey but also with Tina Fey. I got a callback, because I had a friend who knew someone who knew someone who knew the casting director who guaranteed I would get a callback. But I can’t remember the friend. If I could. I’d thank them.  The only thing I remember is the casting director was wearing a really cute hot pink shirt. So maybe I was auditioning for myself? I wouldn’t put it past me.

Which makes me think…would Tina Fey be interested in doing a cooking show with me? I don’t think this idea is as far off as it sounds. I think we have a lot more in common than she realizes. So I’ve drafted a pitch email to the queen of comedy.

Dear Mrs. Fey, (wait, do you want to be addressed as “Ms. Fey” or “Mrs. Richmond?”  Ahh, I don’t know what to do here? I guess I could just say “Dear Tina” but then that’s super presumptuous of me to assume you’d even let me call you Tina. Oh, of course you’d let me call you Tina. You’re that cool. Oh man, I’m so stressed right now. I mean Oh woman. Are you a feminist? I don’t really think you are. I think you’re just all for everyone, right?) 

Whew. Ok.

Dear Ms. Tina Fey Richmond Lemon,

My name is Amanda Austin and I’m writing to pitch you a show idea.  Well, for you. For us, really. I’m writing to pitch a show for the two of us. I know you don’t know me. Yet. But we had the best chemistry in my dream last night so I feel like I’d

"Just take a hot dog, stuff some jack cheese in it, and wrap a pizza around it. Then you have Cheesy Blasters!"-Liz Lemon

“Just take a hot dog, stuff some jack cheese in it, and wrap a pizza around it. Then you have Cheesy Blasters!”-Liz Lemon

be shorting you an opportunity if I didn’t run this idea across your desk. 

I’d like to do a cooking show with you. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Oh gosh, why didn’t I think of this before? It’s ok, you’ve had some reputable ideas in the past. You can’t be good at everything, then God wouldn’t have a job. I mean, he would. He’s God. He can kinda just create his own position. “They” say if there’s not a position for you, you should create it. That’s basically what you’ve done all your life. So I’m taking the work load off you for a bit, and I’ve created this position for you. FOR US! 

It’s called “Improvising Dinner” and here’s the Elevator Pitch: 

These funny ladies know how to improvise. And what better place to improvise than in the kitchen? Amanda and Tina (or we can switch it and say Tina and Amanda, it’s whatever you’re comfortable with, I was just doing it alphabetically, to be fair) will take over your kitchen and completely improvise a meal with the food in your house!   Learn to say YES, AND for dinner! 

We’ll structure it just like an improv show. We’ll get a suggestion from the audience for one food item. We’ll buy that food item, and that food item only. The remainder of the meal will be prepared using ingredients already found in the house. 

When you don't have a pizza roller, you just have to improvise. (Photo: Smosh.com)

When you don’t have a pizza roller, you just have to improvise. (Photo: Smosh.com)

We’ll also do “fun bits” with each other. We’ll talk about improv, how great it is, and just improvise dumb scenes that will be so hilarious people will tune in just to see what we’re going to improvise. The delicious meal will be an added bonus. 

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Do you think the Food Network will bite? (Pun intended) Yes, of course. Not only will they bite because it’s a great idea, but it’s low cost for them, and it gets more viewers because we have people submit to be on the show and we surprise them Publisher’s Clearing House style when we show up to cook. So there’s a fun surprise element to the show. We also have celebrities attached to the show. You’ve had a run of success on TV and stuff, and I’m the more active of the two of us on Twitter (500+ followers) so we’ll be able to draw a crowd. 

I know this might sound crazy. But I could not be more sincere while I’m writing this without pants on while I eat my breakfast in bed. (No one cooked it for me, I just opened a cinnamon roll and brought it back to bed, but thanks for asking!) 

So read through this again, make any notes you have for me about the general feel of the show and I’ll get back to you ASAP. Then let’s call your friends over at the Food Network (I know you’ve been before) and get to work. I’ve got a couple of non-paying gigs the next two weeks, but after that, my schedule is open so we can get to work! 

Thanks in advance for your time and consideration, 

Ms. Amanda Austin Timberlake 

 

19 Things You Should Never Have In Your Online Dating Profile Pic if You Want Someone to Click On You

8 Jan

Online dating is the worst. For me, it’s just another form of comedy. I just joined a free site (worst idea of 2014) and in the past two days, I’ve come across every single one of these as profile pics. PROFILE PICS! Your profile pic is the ONLY chance you have. So if you’re doing any of these things in your profile pic, it’s time to quit everything…

waterfacePM1. Do not be underwater.  Sir, please. You look stupid. And I can’t even tell if you can swim or not in this picture. So how do I even know if you’ll save me from a shark or some weirdo with one of those water noodles?

2. Do not be eating a baked potato.  Yes, I like to eat. And maybe I’ll go out to dinner with you. Are we going to Jason’s Deli for the first date? Probably not. So please, put your Texas Style Spud away. No one wants to see all that sour cream.

Screen Shot 2014-01-07 at 11.17.30 PM3. Do not have a picture of a horse leaping over a cliff labeled 2013 to another cliff labeled 2014.  I’m sorry 2013 wasn’t good for you. And you’re probably not the only one. Or maybe you just liked the new version of The Lone Ranger. I like Armie Hammer, too. But this might be too much.

4. Do not use the the model from the Preferred Stock print ads, circa 1994. You are not fooling anyone. Everyone knows who this dude is. You are not him. Stop it.

5. Do not have an Angel Meme that says “Only God Can Judge Me.”  WRONG! I am also judging you. So that puts me and God on the same team. Watch out, we’re a good team, especially on the kickball field.

alienface6. Do not be a businessman alien.  At least be a Zombie. Or someone from Catching Fire. But a business man alien? NASA isn’t even doing anything cool right now, so Aliens are not really on our radar these days.

7. Do not wear a kilt. I think kilts are totally fine. For your Scottish friend’s wedding, or a last minute Halloween costume. But if your legs look better in a skirt than mine, there is no way I’m clicking on that pic.

8. Do not have a recently dead pig in your arms.  Hey, I’m from Texas. I get it. People hunt. I even have a camouflage koozie somewhere in my house. But I do not want to see you holding a prized pig, seconds after its death. It’s not becoming on you, or my future bacon.

9. Do not be fixing your dishwasher.  Oh boy, I love a guy who is handy. I’m serious. If you can fix things, that’s hot. But do not fix your dang dishwasher in front of me. You should be trying to romance me, not give me a glimpse into what our 7th anniversary is going to look like.

10. Do not be getting a tattoo.  While I do not have any tattoos, I don’t have a problem if a guy does. But let’s all try and put our best face forward. And your face shouldn’t be your ankle with a needle hanging out of it.

denisface PM11. Do not use a stand up shot/meme of Denis Leary.  Jokes, amiright????

12. Do not be exercising on an exercise ball with a small child. I get it, you’re strong. And you’re a “great uncle.” But please don’t bench press your niece in a driveway. I’m the most unimpressed with your safety right now.

13. Do not be topless with another man.  Beach time with your bros, huh? Okay, I’m “OK” with you posting ONE picture at the beach/pool. But don’t be linking arms with another dude. Without his shirt on. You’re not fooling anyone.

14. Do not be holding up a space heater. I’m actually okay with this one.

dogface15. Do not be posing with an oversized dalmation firefighter mascot. I have no idea if you’re the chaperone on a field trip, or if this is what you do on Saturday afternoons. Either way. you look dumb. At least that mascot is getting paid. Or laid.

16. Do not be at Wal-Mart in your army fatigues. God Bless America. I’m so serious. And God Bless Wal-Mart. But a selfie in front of Gain Detergent being “rolled back” makes me proud (scared) you defend our country.

eatmedumbdumb17. Do not be jumping out of a cake that says “Eat Me.”   Because I will not. Ever. Stop asking.

18. Do not be holding up two fake Academy Awards. In 20 years, I have not missed an Academy Awards show. I would know if you won. Even if you won awards at the secret award ceremony for the nerdy/not important awards. I would still know. You didn’t. Go back to writing your first (horrible) screenplay.

19. Do not be standing over a coffin.  Because I don’t need a reminder my uterus might be dead.

SO…What’s the worst profile pic you’ve ever seen? 

How to Eat Your Way Into a Gelato Spokesperson Role

17 Sep

It’s been almost a year since I started my blog. I think I have maybe one dozen entries. It’s weird that I say that I love to write so much, but I never really write. Why is that we say we love to do a lot of things, but we never do them? There was a bumper sticker on a truck at Sprouts today that said “If it isn’t fun, why do it?” Man, ain’t that the truth. I mean, that’s really the reason I don’t shave above my knees that often, because it’s not fun. It’s also the reason I don’t wear pants a lot, because it’s not fun. In fact, there’s a pile of clothes that are about 5’9” sitting by my front door. Every night, I disrobe (a term I use to sound sexy) as I’m walking into my apartment and drop my clothes before I even shut the door. Oh, how do I know that pile is 5’9”?  I stood back to back with them and looked at my reflection in the creepy apartment dining room mirror that’s like some horror movie out of the 90’s waiting to happen. And that pile of clothes had an inch on me, for sure.

Speaking of Ice Cream ( I consider Ice Cream a proper noun), do you guys ever just want to eat Ice Cream/Gelato all day? I don’t know if that’s called depression or gluttony, but whatever it is, I have it. BIG TIME. I work late sometimes, so I try to get up early, But sometimes I end up sleeping in until 9 or 10am. At that point, I just wait until about 10:31am to eat b/c most fast food restaurants are serving lunch at 10:30 (and I don’t want to be too ahead of the game) which means I can confidently eat Ice Cream at that time, because who doesn’t love dessert first?

Dreamy Talenti Gelato Pops. Photo Courtesy: Seriouseats.com

I don’t eat out a lot, (pause for laughter), I really prefer to cook at home. Not because I don’t like to feel fancy while I pay people to wait on me, but because I love food so hard that I can’t really control myself when I’m at a restaurant, or in a car in the drive thru. If I don’t buy it, then I can’t eat it. EXCEPT for Ice Cream or any other member of it’s family.  I usually buy groceries in small amounts so I’m not wasteful. But I’ve been to Sprouts three times since Saturday to buy Talenti Gelato pops. And when I eat them I pretend I’ve just been cast in some glorious National SAG commercial for Talenti and my agent has asked me to really dive deep into the role because I’m going to be the Talenti spokesperson, you know, like Flo for Progressive, but with Sea Salt Caramel Gelato instead of blue insurance.  And then I realize I’m just sitting in my underwear watching Sponge Bob Square Pants with no clue how I landed on that station.

Dreams, y’all. Dreams. You gotta have dreams.

Why Cracker Barrel Can Cheer You Up

26 Jan

I have an elderly grandmother. And by elderly, I mean 96.5  So basically, she’s just old. And there’s not much that elderly folks enjoy more than some good cafeteria food. Maybe that’s where I developed an affinity for meatloaf and liver and onions. Maybe it’s just because I like iron. I don’t know. But I do know I’ve been spending more time with Meme recently because she needs more help. And by help,  I’m either shopping for groceries or buying her takeout.

crackerbarrelldumb

Things people buy at Cracker Barrel. I had to wait 5 minutes to take this picture because of all the grandparents hovering over this State Fair rip off.

Cracker Barrel  is Meme’s favorite. I used to think it was the worst place ever.
But it turns out Cracker Barrel is a great place to lift your spirits. And here’s why:

1. You’re going to be better dressed than anyone there. As long as you’re under 70, this is a fact. Even if you’re in sweats, there’s not a single octagenarian in Juicy Pants, so they’re going to be looking to you for fashion advice.
1a. IF you’re not the best dressed, they offer a lot of knock off affliction style clothing, perfect if you’re four years behind, or you’re from Beaumont. 1b. Don’t ever wear Juicy pants. 

2. You, too, can be an entrepreneur. That’s right. IF this is the kind of stuff for sale at the Cracker Barrell Country Store, then it’s time to start peddling those hairbows you made in the sixth grade or or that really cool beer hat. Because people will buy it.

3. You have all your original teeth. Now you know what it feels like to be in the 1%.

4. They have rocking chairs on the front porch. Here, you can rock away your sorrows. Or escape the smell of moth balls and Yankee Candles. 

5. They actually have really good rolls. And biscuits. Mmmm…biscuits. And if you find a server under the age of 60, you automatically share a common bond with them and they will hook you up with so much bread. I’m not even kidding.

6. They have dogs for sale. No, not like those days on Sunday at PetSmart where all you go in for is cheap dog food and you end up with a three-legged pup. They have toy puppies. I guess I was out of luck, as there was a huge SOLD OUT sign on top of the display. I stood back and watched as two ladies try to haggle them manger to sell them the display unit. True story.

So the next time you’re having a bad day, skip the spa or dinner at Oak or overpriced shopping in the West Village.  Head out to your local, suburban Cracker Barrel for a good pick me up. And loads of carbs.

Honey The Dog

10 Jan

Honey the dog.  I have a yellow lab, Honey the Dog. I have to call her Honey the Dog because for the longest time I would talk about Honey to other co-workers and they thought she was a “he” in the form of my boyfriend.

Movie/Napping Dog

Movie/Napping Dog

“After dinner last night, Honey and I went on a long walk because we ate so much. Yeah, we just sat at home and watched 21 Jump Street. Honey totally fell asleep in my lap and I was dozing off and wanted to get up and go to bed but I couldn’t help that sleepy face.”

Or

“Ugh, Honey had the worst gas last night. It kept me up all night. But I was just too lazy to push Honey out of the bed this time.”

                                              Or

honeybabe

My sweet Honey.

“Oh gosh, the Jacksons came over for dinner last night. It was so fun, Sharon made this amazing broccoli salad.  Ah, it was to die for. But Honey kept licking them, it was so funny. They’re such nice folks.”

Or

“Hey, I’m running a few minutes late to work… Yeah, I’ll be in a few. I’m going to take Honey to day camp today to let out some anger. I woke up this morning and Honey ate right through the center of my bra. So now I’m just two cups, no bra. HAHA!”

So to all six of you out there reading this blog, you’re part of the inside club. But let’s not spoil the fun for all those outsiders. Let’s give them something to talk about.

A Year in Review of Comedy

30 Dec

It was a great year for comedy in Dallas. I’m so thankful and proud of the people I get to work with each and every day. What a great article…

http://www.theaterjones.com/2012inreview/20121229084846/2012-12-30/Year-in-Review-Comedy

5 Ways to Avoid (really fun but dreadful) December Weight Gain

30 Nov

The month of December can be one of the scariest times in a food lovers life. This is when EVERYONE, thin and fat, uses these four words as an excuse to over indulge for 31 days “Who cares, itʼs Christmas!” I recommend removing these four words from your vocabulary for the month of December. I donʼt mean the sentence, I mean all four of those words need to be removed entirely. Otherwise, youʼre going to slip and blame your 14 pound weight gain on the birth of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Now, I donʼt know Jesus personally. I do, in the sense I pray and (sometimes) go to church and believe in him. But weʼve never actually met.

Yo, Baby J, how you want that steak cooked?

But, based on what I know about the guy, he did want us to celebrate his birth, but he wasnʼt thinking that an entire television network would cater all their programming to his birthday with every powdered sugar, sauce dipped, and deep fried concoction possible. Iʼm pretty sure a nice steak and some green beans would have suited him just fine.

So for those of you who don’t live in a beach like climate, or for those of you who refuse to workout, I have a few simple rules. The first four rules can be found here in an earlier post this year.  Refresh yourself before your wreck yourself. Then come back and read the most important lesson of all, which is:

1. Wear something that doesnʼt fit. I know what youʼre thinking. Amanda, track pants and a hoodie are far from celebratory at your company Christmas party or your neighborʼs tacky sweater shindig. (BTW, are we still doing tacky sweater shindigs? I think thatʼs over, letʼs start classing it back up a bit from now on, America.) Iʼm not talking about clothes that are too big and leave room for more cheesy, potatoey dishes. Iʼm talking about wearing a pair of pants one size smaller than what you currently wear. Donʼt tell me you donʼt own them. Everyone owns a pair of “goal” pants. I own about 15 of them. Wear a pair of pants that are pretty tight, but you can still pull over your Christmas butt.

Courtesy of costumefail.com However, I’d argue this as a win. The creativity points alone for the use of a single nipple make this an award-worthy costume.

A long sweater, or drunic (dress you call a tunic because you’re too fat to wear it as a dress without leggings ), will be just fine to cover up the bulge under your belly, or the fact you had to use a rubber band to hold the button and button loop together (a trick I learned from my pregnant friends). If your pants are constantly snug, itʼll always be on your mind before you take another bite of cream cheese covered in jalapeno jelly. Itʼs like having a free lap band built in to your closet.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done to fit into an outfit? And what was the occasion?