You guys ever text yourself? I do. All the time. I use if for general reminders, observations, and brilliant ideas. Then I totally forget about the texts for months. Until I stumble upon them. Like today.
Don’t worry, there’s more where these came from. But, I’ll unveil them slowly, because I want all six of you to come back and read my blog. BUSINESS!
I have an elderly grandmother. And by elderly, I mean 96.5 So basically, she’s just old. And there’s not much that elderly folks enjoy more than some good cafeteria food. Maybe that’s where I developed an affinity for meatloaf and liver and onions. Maybe it’s just because I like iron. I don’t know. But I do know I’ve been spending more time with Meme recently because she needs more help. And by help, I’m either shopping for groceries or buying her takeout.
Things people buy at Cracker Barrel. I had to wait 5 minutes to take this picture because of all the grandparents hovering over this State Fair rip off.
Cracker Barrel is Meme’s favorite. I used to think it was the worst place ever.
But it turns out Cracker Barrel is a great place to lift your spirits. And here’s why:
1. You’re going to be better dressed than anyone there. As long as you’re under 70, this is a fact. Even if you’re in sweats, there’s not a single octagenarian in Juicy Pants, so they’re going to be looking to you for fashion advice.
1a. IF you’re not the best dressed, they offer a lot of knock off affliction style clothing, perfect if you’re four years behind, or you’re from Beaumont. 1b. Don’t ever wear Juicy pants.
2. You, too, can be an entrepreneur. That’s right. IF this is the kind of stuff for sale at the Cracker Barrell Country Store, then it’s time to start peddling those hairbows you made in the sixth grade or or that really cool beer hat. Because people will buy it.
3. You have all your original teeth. Now you know what it feels like to be in the 1%.
4. They have rocking chairs on the front porch. Here, you can rock away your sorrows. Or escape the smell of moth balls and Yankee Candles.
5. They actually have really good rolls. And biscuits. Mmmm…biscuits. And if you find a server under the age of 60, you automatically share a common bond with them and they will hook you up with so much bread. I’m not even kidding.
6. They have dogs for sale. No, not like those days on Sunday at PetSmart where all you go in for is cheap dog food and you end up with a three-legged pup. They have toy puppies. I guess I was out of luck, as there was a huge SOLD OUT sign on top of the display. I stood back and watched as two ladies try to haggle them manger to sell them the display unit. True story.
So the next time you’re having a bad day, skip the spa or dinner at Oak or overpriced shopping in the West Village. Head out to your local, suburban Cracker Barrel for a good pick me up. And loads of carbs.
Honey the dog. I have a yellow lab, Honey the Dog. I have to call her Honey the Dog because for the longest time I would talk about Honey to other co-workers and they thought she was a “he” in the form of my boyfriend.
Movie/Napping Dog
“After dinner last night, Honey and I went on a long walk because we ate so much. Yeah, we just sat at home and watched 21 Jump Street. Honey totally fell asleep in my lap and I was dozing off and wanted to get up and go to bed but I couldn’t help that sleepy face.”
Or
“Ugh, Honey had the worst gas last night. It kept me up all night. But I was just too lazy to push Honey out of the bed this time.”
Or
My sweet Honey.
“Oh gosh, the Jacksons came over for dinner last night. It was so fun, Sharon made this amazing broccoli salad. Ah, it was to die for. But Honey kept licking them, it was so funny. They’re such nice folks.”
Or
“Hey, I’m running a few minutes late to work… Yeah, I’ll be in a few. I’m going to take Honey to day camp today to let out some anger. I woke up this morning and Honey ate right through the center of my bra. So now I’m just two cups, no bra. HAHA!”
So to all six of you out there reading this blog, you’re part of the inside club. But let’s not spoil the fun for all those outsiders. Let’s give them something to talk about.
It was a great year for comedy in Dallas. I’m so thankful and proud of the people I get to work with each and every day. What a great article…
http://www.theaterjones.com/2012inreview/20121229084846/2012-12-30/Year-in-Review-Comedy
The month of December can be one of the scariest times in a food lovers life. This is when EVERYONE, thin and fat, uses these four words as an excuse to over indulge for 31 days “Who cares, itʼs Christmas!” I recommend removing these four words from your vocabulary for the month of December. I donʼt mean the sentence, I mean all four of those words need to be removed entirely. Otherwise, youʼre going to slip and blame your 14 pound weight gain on the birth of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Now, I donʼt know Jesus personally. I do, in the sense I pray and (sometimes) go to church and believe in him. But weʼve never actually met.
Yo, Baby J, how you want that steak cooked?
But, based on what I know about the guy, he did want us to celebrate his birth, but he wasnʼt thinking that an entire television network would cater all their programming to his birthday with every powdered sugar, sauce dipped, and deep fried concoction possible. Iʼm pretty sure a nice steak and some green beans would have suited him just fine.
So for those of you who don’t live in a beach like climate, or for those of you who refuse to workout, I have a few simple rules. The first four rules can be found here in an earlier post this year. Refresh yourself before your wreck yourself. Then come back and read the most important lesson of all, which is:
1. Wear something that doesnʼt fit. I know what youʼre thinking. Amanda, track pants and a hoodie are far from celebratory at your company Christmas party or your neighborʼs tacky sweater shindig. (BTW, are we still doing tacky sweater shindigs? I think thatʼs over, letʼs start classing it back up a bit from now on, America.) Iʼm not talking about clothes that are too big and leave room for more cheesy, potatoey dishes. Iʼm talking about wearing a pair of pants one size smaller than what you currently wear. Donʼt tell me you donʼt own them. Everyone owns a pair of “goal” pants. I own about 15 of them. Wear a pair of pants that are pretty tight, but you can still pull over your Christmas butt.
Courtesy of costumefail.com However, I’d argue this as a win. The creativity points alone for the use of a single nipple make this an award-worthy costume.
A long sweater, or drunic (dress you call a tunic because you’re too fat to wear it as a dress without leggings ), will be just fine to cover up the bulge under your belly, or the fact you had to use a rubber band to hold the button and button loop together (a trick I learned from my pregnant friends). If your pants are constantly snug, itʼll always be on your mind before you take another bite of cream cheese covered in jalapeno jelly. Itʼs like having a free lap band built in to your closet.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done to fit into an outfit? And what was the occasion?
I have really awesome parents. They usually give me good advice. And by good, I mean all the advice I listen to is good. This morning I was talking to my dad about the election and he told me to “vote with my heart.” How sweet, dad. But what he probably doesn’t know, is I vote with arrows through my head. Last election I voted for Steve Martin. And here’s why:
1. He is funny.
2. He is a self-made man.
3. He is polite (when’s the last time you heard Odumbo or Romnuts apologize like Steve: “Well EXCUSE ME!”)
4. He is a proponent of the visual and performing arts.
5. He doesn’t need a speech writer.
6. He could loosen up the cabinet into some Wild And Crazy Guys!
7. He made it out of Waco unscathed.
8. We can save a lot of money on entertainment at White House functions if we let the president do the entertaining.
Now, I don’t really care who you vote for. I’m not going to judge anyone for voting. You’re casting your vote, and that’s very American of you. But if you’ll EXCUSE me, I’m going to let the arrows on my head lead me to the polls and vote for our future kind of America, King Tut.
Okay hate might be a strong word. Really strong. But reflecting on the fact I’m about to be older than Jesus, I thought I’d let you in on some things I would have never admitted to anyone five years ago.
1. I don’t know how to dive.
2. I own the STV app on my phone.
3. When I run out of laundry, it’s usually not an issue because I have no problem whatsoever going comando.
4. I don’t drink liquor often because I am at my most fun when I do. MOST FUN.
5. When I’m tired and people are around, I fake picking up Honey the Dog’s poop by bending over with a bag and picking up “air” next to the poop. I know, this is horrible.
6. Until just a few months ago, I thought an IPA (India Pale Ale) was an ironic name for a beer made on the other side of the world.
7. I know absolutely nothing about Greek mythology.
8. Some people have a food baby. I have a food boyfriend.
9. From where I’m sitting, I can see all of my childhood stuffed animals.
10. I “own” as many movies from Redbox as there are in the actual Redbox.
So what’s one (or 10) things you would have never admitted 5 years ago but you will admit today?
I just returned from a (not long enough) trip to Hawaii. It’s a great place to vacation, for sure. But in the short time I’ve spent there, I also believe it’s a great place to live. And here’s why:
This girl. This suit. This pose. This is the real deal. (Photo courtesy of Google)
1. You are thinner in Hawaii. Don’t argue with me. The scale may say you are the same weight, or maybe even fatter. But that is not the truth. In the grand scheme of things (things=Hawaii), no one notices your legs that look like they’ve been hit with a sack of nickels when they have the Pacific ocean as an alternate view. Everything in Hawaii is more beautiful than you. Please, don’t take this personal, take it as the truth. This isn’t the case in places like Dallas, where we truly are the best thing we have to offer each other. That’s why we all dye our hair, pay for body wraps, and wear foundation. BECAUSE WE ARE OUR OWN OCEAN!
2. Good Cholesterol. Doctors keep telling us that good cholesterol is, well good for us. No need to search high and low for it in Hawaii. It’s all right there in the form of sea salt. While too much NA on your bacon and eggs is bad, a nice, neck deep dip in a mild version of the dead sea is just what the doctor ordered.
1994! (Photo courtesy of eBay)
3. Crocs are an acceptable form of footwear. Maybe even the most acceptable form of footwear. People wear them everywhere. To the beach, to dinner, to the prom. They are versatile, heavy duty while simultaneously light weight,and you can decorate them with cool Croc inserts. For those of you who wore Kaapas back in the day, it’s the same, but better.
4. Sundays are always a better alternative than what’s happening on the mainland. You’ll probably want to drive around the island after an amazing local breakfast (we loved Boots and Kimo’s). Don’t be surprised when you send a video titled “Sunday Morning Drive” to your friends/family on the mainland and receive little to no response. After all, you probably disturbed them from their Sunday brunch coma-induced golf nap.
Ladies who lounge. (Photo courtesy of Vanity Fair)
5. If you go with a really fun friend, you can pretend you’re on a Thelma and Louise kind of adventure. Except, you drive an Altima for a convertible, wear workout clothes as a swimsuit coverup, and you’re Brad Pitt is some Asian guy named Kaito who is on vacation from Japan and has the reverse jet lag you’re experiencing and he’s so tiny if he stood behind you, no one would know he was there. But, hey, you gotta start somewhere. Rome wasn’t built in a day. And neither are our dreams.
Delivery is the worst form of closet eating. No one will ever know how much youʼve ordered. Even if your neighbors see the delivery person making frequent stops, they have no idea if you are on your first or fourth meal of the day (thank you Taco Bell), because you have no one you have to lie to. If you want to physically make delivery impossible, you need to move to a really secure apartment complex and live on the highest floor with limited access. It takes the convenience out of someone showing up at your door and just giving you a bag full of grease. The harder it is on you (forget the delivery guy, this is his job), the less likely you are to order takeout.
A single serving from Betty’s Best Around. This is Trey’s favorite. (Photo Courtesy of Yelp)
Can’t move to a high rise? Wanna hide the shame? Follow these three simple steps:
1. Use the word “WE” as often as possible. Remember you are ordering for 2 people (so they think) so you need to play to the reality of this web of lies. Phrases such as: “We’d like to place an order for delivery.” or “We’re going to need extra sweet and sour sauce.” ”Do you have drinks for sale, we are totally out of everything but water.”
2. Which brings me to step 2. Always order two different soft drinks. Preferably diet drinks, because you need something to negate your 5000 calorie order. If there was ever a doubt in the hipster college dude’s mind that you were ordering all this food for one person, it will totally be washed from his brain when he hears two separate drink orders.
3. When they come to the door, have a name for your significant other. Mine’s name is Trey. So it looks something like this:
Delivery guy: Hey how’s it going. You have an order for Beef & Brocoli, General Tsao’s, Shrimp Fried Rice, 4 egg rolls, 1/2 order of fried crab wontons, and a Diet Coke and Diet DP?
Me: Yes, that’s us. Hang on a second…Trey, did you leave the money out? (Alternatively: Trey, can you come grab the dog for a second?) Wait for “Trey” to answer, and respond to his answer. If the delivery guy didn’t hear him (which he won’t) he won’t question you because he would have to come into your house to confirm Trey is there and he knows Trey would beat his ass if he did.
It sounds like a lot of work. But after a few Sunday nights, you’ll have a routine down. After years of using the same delivery, my delivery guy even says “Tell Trey I said what’s up!” He probably doesn’t even realize he’s never met Trey, but at this point, who cares. We’re family!
We’ll have two of everything, please. (Photo courtesy of MainStreetMenus.com)
If you’re ever at a drive thru, you can pull this stunt, too. You just start off by saying “Weʼll have the…” and then you can order as much food as you want. The girl at the drive thru counter probably isnʼt judging you, but itʼs a safe bet. If you really wanna mess with the people at the drive thru, when you pull up to the window, hand the food to someone (invisible person/Trey) in the back seat and ask them to “check it and make sure we have everything.” This 100% of the time drives them crazy and makes them think they are seeing (or not seeing) things. They’ll question every decision they’ve made in life up to this point. Then maybe they’ll go back and get that GED and make something of themselves. So in the end, you’ve done a good thing.
It’s September, which means Holidays parties are just around the corner. For someone who is addicted to food, these can be huge temptations to just blow any hard work I might have accomplished in a week. Girls night out, first dates, and holiday and Superbowl parties can all be grouped together. I like to group these temptations together because we often go into any/all of these situations with the same mindset. We want to:
1. Appear fun and carefree.
2. Be the life of the party and someone that everyone wants to be around again.
3. Never mention anything about food, just eat what we want without overindulging.
4. Be carefree.
Okay, so carefree is what we are looking for here. Appearing to be carefree and not worrying about what you just ate, what you might eat, and what otherʼs are eating is tough. The easiest way to appear carefree is to be carefree. Which really means, donʼt be addicted to food. But if youʼre an addict like me, then there are a few things you can do to prepare yourself for such events:
1. Workout that day. Even if itʼs just a quick run around the block and some sit-ups, or a half day at the gym, youʼre going to feel better about yourself instantly if you workout. And when you are more conscious of your body and how much better you feel, you will, inevitably, be more conscious of what you eat. Unless of course you take the route where you reason “Iʼve worked out today, so I can eat what I want.” Donʼt fall prey to this, everyone. Itʼs a slippery slope and one that will keep you in a size 8-16 for all your days.
2. Eat a small meal with some lean protein and vegetables 2 hours before temptation arrives. Something around 250-300 calories should suffice. A piece or two of lean turkey and cheese and maybe an apple should set the tone. Itʼs enough to fill you up and give you some energy without totally mucking up your WW points for the day.
3. Imagine yourself having a great time with great conversation. Donʼt imagine the hard part of it, which is resisting the Fritos Scoops or the third martini. Donʼt obsess about the scary part, obsess about having a great time. If you imagine yourself having a great time without the food temptation, then you are more likely to have a great time and forget about the food temptation all together.
4. Chug a Diet Coke*. Right before you get there or your date picks you up. Iʼm talking the very last minute possible before you are in the company of others, chug a Diet Coke. A 12 ounce can will do. Donʼt go to 7-11 and get a huge fountain drink. That takes too long. Chug a diet coke like you would a buttery nipple shot on your 21st birthday. Really fast and without a second thought. The intense overload of carbonation will give your body a false sense of fullness and hopefully you wonʼt be tempted to make a beeline for the cheese tray or trio of appetizers. This is clearly a last resort, but it works all the time, every time.
*After many years of testing, Diet Coke seems to be the most efficient and least gas producing chugger of itʼs kind. Diet Sprite and 7-UP are more refreshing than filling, and Diet Dr. Pepper produces instant burps, so trust me and just stick with a Diet Coke.
